It was Day 2 of the Republican National Convention and The Rake
was seated proudly in the "minor local media" section. With CityPages at
our side, God as our witness and no actual view of the stage, the event was underway. It was quickly apparent that, in solidarity with the folks
displaced by Hurricane Gustav, the Republicans had blown their announced agenda
to hell and back, with only two of the originally planned speakers on tap for
the night. The abbreviated convention also blew a sucking chest wound in the
plans to highlight a different theme each night – forcing the party planners to
focus instead on the Convention’s overall theme of "Country First." They
proceeded to offer up that happily vague phrase, and variations thereof, ad
nauseum.
Starting off the night to set the "Country First" tone was John Boehner’s speech on the Great
Satan that is the Democratic party, conveniently neglecting to mention that the
pluperfect singularity of economic, diplomatic and social upheaval facing the
country was engendered just as much by Republican as it was Democrat. Of
course, much like at last week’s DNC, the delegations thoroughly enjoyed any
and all mocking of the opposition, offering raucous applause and never once
wishing they could hear a proper
taunting as only the French can provide.
After Boehner’s speech, the epic notes of "Don’t Stop Believin’" by
glam rock legends Journey filled the dead air and, as McCain’s theme song, was
likely intended to fire up delegates and remind them that a year ago their
presidential nominee’s campaign was dead in the water and beaten by Giuliani in
the polls like a bad bad donkey. But judging by the choked off laughter, the
assembled media took it as a reminder to the delegation to keep on drinking the
Kool-Aid.
Further compounding attempts to take the proceedings
seriously was a short montage that truly set the tone for a night consisting of
speeches by the Democrat who wasn’t, Joe Lieberman, and the only Minnesotan to ever
hump the leg of a commander-in-chief – Michelle Bachmann. Perhaps history
will someday regard the ill-considered words announced with gravitas against
the backdrop of a stylized Constitution as something other than a phrase taking
us to a horrific place – "You can’t really see your country. You can’t really
touch your country. But you can love it." However, it’s all too likely the
robots will have assumed primacy by then, consigning us to the dark corners of
the earth, too busy scraping for sustenance to remember the disturbing imagery
called forth by a gathering of the old world order. And besides, there are far
too many places in the country that would likely require a visit to Planned
Parenthood for testing if one was touched by them.
Sen. Norm Coleman, former mayor of St. Paul, was prevented from making his
"really good speech" on Monday and took the opportunity to welcome the
delegates to Pig’s Eye, confusing the hell out of the octogenarian attendees.
He went on to give a treatise on St. Paul’s history, discussing how
conservative values built the Xcel center, but stopping just short of launching
into a heartfelt rendition of Starship’s, "We Built This City".
Coleman is, of course, in a rather heated battle for one of Minnesota’s Senate seats, so grandstanding
is to be expected. He also was the first of a long parade of speakers to wax
rhapsodic about the many sterling qualities of John McCain, culminating in a
story about Thomas Jefferson’s face and a vagrant on the banks of a river.
Surprisingly enough, it wasn’t actually a euphemism for oral sex, but rather a long winded and folksy way of saying McCain would face any challenge put in front of him.
Unfortunately, the "positive spirit of Pig’s Eye" only
extended to those blessed with the wisdom to join the Republican party. When
speakers weren’t praying or touting the many wonders of the McCain and Palin
story, they were blaming the opposition for everything from the national
deficit to Lindsay Lohan’s recent forays into girl on girl action and punditry.
Though given how much sense she makes in her political commentary, maybe Ms.
Lohan is on to something.
Throughout the rest of the night, speakers took every
opportunity to point out how John McCain has put country first. That
conservative values are the only possible way forward for this country. That,
by the way, John McCain was once a resident at the Hanoi Hilton, and that it’s
okay for conservatives to love him now that he’s the only option for a Republican
president. Michelle Bachmann, the insane light of zealotry burning brightly in
her eyes and clad in a dress that could only be described as Cadbury Mini-Egg
yellow, delivered her speech as if she thought she was addressing a romper room
audience. She devoted most of her time on stage to serving as a GOP attack dog,
telling the arena that good Christian values will guide the country, not the
government. Sadly, any good points she
may have made on the importance of avoiding a nanny-state paled in comparison
to her painful pleas for delegates to come back and visit. "Because we’re nice.
Really nice. Fucking. Unbelievably. Nice. We’re nice, goddamnit! Why won’t you
love me?"
Tellingly, none of the MN delegates would discuss their
feelings about Rep. Bachmann when asked.
From then until the keynote speakers for the night – President
George Bush, Sen. Fred Thompson and Sen. Joe Lieberman – were ready to go, a
parade of heart wrenching tales and presidential retrospectives rained forth
from the sound system. The obligatory deification of Ronald Reagan, tales of
Teddy Roosevelt and his Rough Riders, a crass attempt at co-opting the story of
a Navy SEAL who threw himself on a grenade to save the rest of his team in Iraq
and was posthumously awarded the Medal of Honor – these were the most offensive
moments of the night. Country First may be the theme of the convention, but
when politics trump the country’s history and American heroes are used to
strengthen a political agenda, it’s obvious the country isn’t foremost in
anyone’s thoughts.
Oh, and by the way, has anyone ever told you that John
McCain was a POW?
Following these crass examples of political opportunism, our
fearless leader made an appearance via satellite, emphasizing the disagreements
he’s had through the years with John McCain, conveniently neglecting to mention
the smear campaign in 2000 that left the esteemed maverick senator from Arizona feeling like so
much roadkill. Roadkill with an illegitimate
black baby.
Fred Thompson was up next, his experience as an actor
shining through as he flowed easily from jowl-shaking recrimination against
liberals and their media lapdogs to holding Sen. McCain aloft on a pedestal and
thanking him for not only serving his country, but also for forgiving the sins
of man, starring in a Tony-award winning Broadway musical that convinced
homosexuals that they didn’t have the right to marry after all, and was the man
who gave the reverse
cowgirl to the world. The
former New York prosecutor owned that crowd. Not only were his words treated
as if they were carved in stone and handed down by Moses, but whispers of "He’s
not so cute, but I’d totally do him" drifted down like so much J.Lo-branded
perfume from the assembled group of MILFs and Stepford Wives in the gallery
behind the press stand.
Which made it all the more sad that Sen. Joe Lieberman had
to follow that act. Not only did it seem as if the Xcel Center had suddenly
been transported into an alternate dimension in which Lieberman wasn’t the VP
nominee for one of the Republican party’s
ultimate evils back in 2000, the senator from CT has never displayed a
knack for oratory, and being the only Democrat on the speaking agenda brought
him nothing but wary stares and baffled looks as he proceeded to name check
Clinton and not curse Obama’s name to the heavens while lavishing praise upon
his good friend John McCain. Sen. McCain certainly wouldn’t think of providing Sen. Lieberman with
a cabinet position, thus providing a method to his madness, right?
And throughout the show, while speaker after speaker
thundered and railed against "the angry left" and positioned the GOP ticket as
the second coming of Buddha, Christ, and P.T. Barnum in one neat little package
with a moose-hunting cherry on top, they failed to note one interesting fact –
they somehow managed to take the Xcel Energy Center, a nearly brand new arena
with some of the best acoustics in the nation, and make it sound stunningly
crappy. If that’s not an intriguing metaphor for the events of the last eight
years, I’m not sure what is.
Hard to believe that as recently as Sunday, downtown Saint
Paul was a bucolic paradise ringed in chain link, the peace kept by strapping
young men with plastic handcuffs. Sadly, the photos below didn’t jibe with the
reality of yesterday’s protests.
While Minnesota’s, and the nation’s, eyes should’ve been
turned to the potential for yet another
biblical disaster visited upon New Orleans, and somewhere between 8,000 and
10,000 people marched in peaceful protest against the war in Iraq, various
social injustices, and the lack of proper bagels in the Midwest, a small group
of asshats were doing all they could to ensure all eyes were on them. And
sadly, they didn’t feel they could accomplish this by word or crappy bohemian
performance art, so instead they reportedly lobbed homemade explosives, smashed windows, overturned dumpsters, attacked delegates,
and generally demonstrated their complete lack of understanding of what free speech
entails.
Ignoring, for a moment, the larger issue of how this group
of irredeemable twats makes it virtually impossible for any of the protestors
to be taken seriously, they’ve created a significant public safety issue for
the rest of the convention. The police, having seen what lengths immature
Marxist wanna-be’s will go to "get their message across to the Capitalist
pigs," are far more willing to deploy the more unpleasant countermeasures
available to them. This has already been in ample
evidence, with pepper spray used like so much Binaca
and canisters of caustic gasses that some claim contain tear gas, but are more
likely to have released Axe body spray into the air – a sure way to disperse a
crowd. Law enforcement is already being accused of being overzealous, and it’s
sad that so many well-intentioned and peaceful activists are being caught up in
the mess that the demonstrations have become – but it’s hard to blame the
police when they’re forced to deal with hordes of protesters, any one of whom
may want to cause harm in a variety of ways.
But on a larger scale, while no one could’ve possibly
expected protests at the RNC to remain completely peaceful, there seems to be
precious little thought actually devoted to these demonstrations. Perhaps if
they were facing down tanks in Tiananmen Square, violence could be understood.
But marching the virtually deserted streets of St. Paul, it does nothing to
advance their cause, obscuring it with sensational headlines and stories rather
than providing an opportunity for public conversation, debate and discourse.
It’s telling that the protesters engaged in the vandalism and violence wouldn’t
show their faces or grant an interview. Frankly, it’s profoundly disgusting
that anyone could consider this an effective, or even acceptable, form of
political activism.
The only consolation I can find in this is how
unlikely it is any of the asshats in question are fellow Minneapolitans, since
precious few of us can actually find our way to downtown St. Paul.
"I feel a great disturbance in the Force, as if
millions of voices suddenly cried out in terror, and were suddenly silenced."
Obi-Wan might as well have been talking about last night’s
call by Hillary Clinton to nominate Barack Obama by acclamation. Even as cheers
rang throughout the assembled DNC crowd, through the MPR broadcast it was easy
to hear the anguished chorus of PUMAs and die-hard Clinton fans crying out as their personal Alderaan
exploded before their eyes.
Of course, it was too much for the Democratic party to ever
expect Obama’s nomination to be accepted without rancor or dissention in the
ranks. Ever since famed blogger John
Scalzi revealed that Barack Obama does not, in fact, fart cinnamon-scented
rainbows, Democratic officials and party members have realized how deeply
divisive the last year has been for the party. And without the aforementioned
sweetly-scented intestinal emissions, Democrats face a serious battle to return
to the days when the party was united under Bill Clinton’s banner of Internet
IPOs, kittens and abortions for all. For, if nothing else, one lesson they can
take away from Star Wars,
not to mention the last seven years in Afghanistan
and Iraq,
is that regime change is a cast-iron bitch.
Make no mistake, last night’s speech by Bill Clinton was an
abdication of power. For nearly two decades the Clintons have been to first Democratic
family, with all the influence, fundraising clout and nubile interns such a
position has to offer. Last night was Bill’s last dance. You could hear it in
his voice as he reveled in the cheers of the assembled left-leaning masses
yearning once more for the feather soft caress of the elder statesman to set
their loins aquiver with his nimble tongue and folksy charm. Even as Bill
cajoled the crowd into silence, you could tell he knew this time on the
podium would be his last brush with the reverence accorded to a liberal savior.
He may never again be able to coerce a young woman into inserting phallic
tobacco products in inappropriate orifices, so any maudlin thoughts on his part
are perfectly understandable.
So as his speech began, making us all pine for the heady
days when the Internet was a eldritch tube that channeled the unspeakable power
of that which came before – making imaginary money and not just a masturbatory tool for
douchebags, hatemongers and hormonally confused tweens, it wasn’t a
surprise that much of it focused on his own accomplishments. But through the
ego-stroking and fond reminiscences of economic booms, cordial relations with
foreign powers, and perjured testimony came reassurances of Obama’s talent and
capabilities – his readiness to lead and his preparedness to bring change and
puppies to the hallowed halls of Capitol Hill.
And his willingness to make those statements with his wife’s
most ardent supporters just a few feet away still railing against this
"perversion of democracy," calling for recounts, and demanding their hymens be
returned to them, makes it all the more impressive. Whether he receives a
cabinet position in the event of an Obama win or not, he closed the door on his
own era. Few men can lay claim to that. Now if only he could alter time, speed
up the election, or teleport us to England, where campaigns only last
approximately four weeks, his place in history would be assured.
Save for the lack of scheduled appearances by Valerie
Bertinelli, Tiffani Thiessen or Jennie Garth, over the course of the next two
weeks America will be treated to two of the best-funded Lifetime miniseries of
all time. Featuring exoticsettings; heroes and villains a-plenty; a
family dynasty forever shattered; and production values that would shame even
Steven Bochco (whose involvement in "Cop Rock" and the
upcoming "Raising the Bar"
has amply demonstrated his abject lack of shame), the Democratic and Republican
National Conventions rival even the sturm and drang of "She
Fought Alone" – one of the finest of the True Stories Collection of TV
movies. Add to that a collection of flawed characters blending a Jamba
Juice-like smoothie of half-truths, distortions, and skewed viewpoints stemming
from a profound disconnect from anything even faintly resembling the reality of
the average American lifestyle, and you’ve got some damn good TV – not to
mention impeccable cover for a gaping loophole in campaign finance law.
Witness, if you will, the window-dressing that is the pomp
and circumstance of the nightly speaker lineups; the concern over Hillary and
her PUMAs’ wailing at the gates about the disastrous hijacking of democracy
that has put a presumptive dynasty on the outside looking in, and the thousands
of unwashed protesters clamoring for attention in St.
Paul’s newest stockyard, located conveniently nearby the Xcel Center. Then
look deeper at the Convention Committees, which, unlike the candidates
themselves, can accept virtually unlimited donations of cash and services from
private citizens and even corporations. And these deep-pocketed entities get a
significant return on their donations. In addition to sweetly scented tax
write-off, the complexity of which would arouse Ben Stein far more than
well-hydrated eyes ever could, they are offered that most precious of
commodities in the political world – access.
Wednesday’s events, for example, include a CH2M Hill sponsored concert featuring
Willie Nelson, a donor briefing and reception at Ellie Caulkins Opera House,
and an "AT&T Luncheon for Delegates from Western States" just to name a
few. And should the guest list for these events happen to fall into an
enterprisingly cynical blogger’s hands, it just might happen to include some of
the top officials from the Democratic party, influential members of the Senate
Committee on Commerce, Science & Transportation, who handle telecommunications
issues, and any number of other elected officials who may or may not play a
role in potential legislation affecting these companies’ bottom lines.
Once upon a time – most likely in an alternate reality where
Hillary Clinton’s pastel pantsuits whip crowds into frothing
lust-fueled frenzies the likes of which our world has never borne witness to
– the conventions were a place where party business took place and attendees
engaged in true debate and dialogue. Now, in Denver the intent is to bring the
hordes of malcontents that make up the Democratic party into line, poisoning
the PUMAs with love, understanding and the implied threat of the country’s
completely unlubricated buggering come November, should they not fall in line.
In Saint Paul, the Republicans simply want to emphasize how much more buggering
there will be if the Democrats regain the White House. And in both cases, the
aim is to quash debate and dissention. And either way, we’re the ones who get
buggered.
So we watch and listen, strangely drawn to our TVs and
radios by the anemic oration of political luminaries like John Kerry and
Congressman Robert Wexler, fascinated by the eight part melodrama playing out
in America’s heartland – the conflict between PUMA and party, McCain’s one-time
maverick status and his new love for the party politick. It’s all too easy to
get distracted by the stagecraft and bright lights, forgetting for the moment
the money pouring through the cracks in the campaign finance system that make
this grand display possible. And what’s worse – just what that money may be
saying over black truffle risotto and foie gras on toast points to the
representatives who supposedly do the people’s work.
It’s all too rare that college presidents, a group often
collectively known as "The Man," are celebrated on college campuses. But today, MPR’s
college audience raised bottles of Boone’s
and boxes of refreshing
Franzia in a toast to the 114 college presidents, including Minnesota’s own
Jack Ohle – president of Gustavus Adolphus, who signed on to the Amethyst Initiative. The
initiative calls for a renewed debate on the legal drinking age and advocates dropping
the legal age to 18.
Of course, it’s a logical argument. Eighteen year olds can already
cast a vote for the future of our country. They can buy a gun and go off to war
where, if they’re lucky, they’ll have the opportunity to use high explosives to solve
vexing diplomatic problems. They can even buy a toxic slurry of flammable
carcinogens and stimulants without resorting to offering that hormonally gifted
kid in their English class who can grow facial hair "extra credit" behind the
dumpsters, in return for his assistance at SuperUSA.
And yet, upon heading off to college, they have to dangle
those same goodies in front of frat boys and McLovin wannabes,
though at this point they’ve become wise enough to realize that they don’t
actually have to give it up in order to get exactly what they want. It seems a
bizarre set of circumstances, to say the least.
Despite this three year safeguard against the judgment
impairing joy of alcohol, a culture of binge drinking still pervades college
campuses. So it’s unsurprising college presidents would be interested in
bringing drinking and drunken hook-ups off the futons, twin beds and bean bag
chairs of dorm rooms and run-down rental housing and into the relative safety
of licensed establishments complete with bouncers and bartenders happy to cut-off a drunken lush or
curb stomp the more obnoxious inebriates.
But despite the obvious risk management benefits of such an
initiative, not to mention addressing one of American society’s many
hypocrisies, it’s plain to see that these officials have not done their due
diligence on the true cost of raising the legal drinking age – the complete and
utter destruction of the modern college experience.
For what is college if not a place to furtively sneak
alcohol into dorm rooms and engage in frantic slurred shushing so as not to attract the
attention of the dread cyclopean RA? Whither stories of roommates piddling
in shoes and crapping in dresser drawers as their booze-addled senses
inform them that closets are bathrooms? How can the collegiate economy survive
if the fake ID industry collapses?
And most importantly – how will anyone get laid? Sure, those
precocious few in meaningful long-term relationships will still exchange sweet
nothings after engaging in futon-borne quickies between classes. But, as all
the world knows, the average college freshman male is an insipid creature,
capable neither of sustained conversation nor sustained coitus. To coax the
fabled coed into his lair requires enticement, generally in the form of
illicitly obtained alcoholic beverages. To lower the drinking age is to negate
the only weapon in the 18 year old male’s arsenal.
Do we really want to consign the future leaders of America to a
youth of sexual frustration and disappointment? To do so is to admit to ourselves
that yes, the terrorists, and possibly the Quakers, have won.
District 6 is a bizarre creature. Stretching in a "C" around
the metro area from Stillwater all the way to St. Cloud, the district
encompasses a huge range of incomes, lifestyles, political philosophies, albeit
a rather narrow range of races – remaining 95 percent white according to census
data. One might assume this variety would mean the region would trend toward
moderation, but like a Coon Rapids-dweller wobbling his way to the F-150 after
bar close, the district has teetered between conservative and liberal
candidates in the last several elections.
For the last eight years, this electoral St. Vitus’ Dance has had a profoundly polarizing effect on Minnesota politics –
Michelle Bachmann. From her position as a Minnesota State Senator, she gave us
a glimpse of the legend that would soon beget the frothing hatred of the
liberally-minded, with vitriol, bile and impotent rage spewing forth across the internet, spilling on to the fabled YouTube and
dripping in a wholly unsavory way upon Larry
King’s already scabrous and soiled lap.
Now, as District 6’s representative in Congress, she’s
baffled many with her slavish devotion to the administration, even in its
declining years, not to mention made some question her sanity with questionable
interpretations of intelligence reports, crusade for freedom of choice in
lighting and firm conviction that Jesus
died for our carbon credits. So it should come as no surprise that she has
some serious opposition in the upcoming race for the District 6 congressional
seat in the form of former Minnesota Commissioner of Transportation Elwyn
Tinklenberg.
Tinklenberg, who also served as mayor of Blaine, consented
to speak with us about why the hell he was willing to risk the fires of Hades
by contesting Bachmann’s
divine right to a congressional seat, as well as what he plans to do in the
short time before he’s struck down for defying the Lord’s mandate if he wins.
The Rake: Why, after watching a better funded Patty
Wetterling lose the last election to Bachmann, did you decide to step in the
ring?
Tinklenberg: I think there are a number of
differences from that time to this time. The biggest one is that they now know
who Bachmann is. They know how she votes, how she behaves, what she says. And
all that is demonstrated, in a way that the last campaign wasn’t able to, how
out of touch she is with the values and concerns of the district.
For example, obviously from almost the beginning – her
embrace of the president at the State of the Union, her vote on the childrens’
health initiative, to her defense of the incandescent light bulb. Everything
that people have come to know about her has demonstrated that. She’s voted
against veterans’ benefits, the farm bill, funding for the bridge replacement
in Minneapolis. Every vote has demonstrated that.
The Rake:So why do people keep sending
her back if she’s so completely out of touch?
Tinklenberg: I don’t think the last campaign
succeeded in helping people understand who Michelle Bachmann was. I don’t think
the people of the district understood or knew that much about her. She built
her career on wedge issues and divisive partisan politics. I don’t think that
came out that well in the last campaign. Now on a broader scale they’ve seen
the stories and the votes. I think now it’s different, people are sitting back
and saying "That’s not what we bargained for." And Patty Wetterling won in
Bachmann’s home town. The more they knew about her, the less likely they were
to vote for her.
And I think the other part of this too is that I have some
experience in government, in the district, and with campaigning that are real
assets to my campaign. That helps as well. And the fact that I have the DFL and
independent party endorsements are reflective of the kind of support we have.
It’s her record, and my own, that give me an advantage over the last campaign.
The Rake: Are you
worried that the district demos lend themselves to those wedge issues being
important? Do folks in Anoka sit up at night scared to death of the looming
specter of man-donkey marriage?
Tinklenberg: As long as we leave those issues in a
kind of polarizing debate we’re not going to make any progress. There are other
issues the district is concerned about as well. Especially the economy and
what’s happening in the economy. We saw that when labor stats and employment
stats came out yesterday. Unemployment in Minnesota is at a 25 year high and people
are concerned about what’s going on in the economy and in their own lives. So
there are a lot of issues at play now that weren’t in campaigns of the last few
years. People are looking for solutions and help and a stop to the endless
partisan debate. That’s a huge advantage for what I bring to the campaign. My
experience has been as mayor and commissioner and I bring people together and
build coalitions. I think that’s what the voters are looking for.
Take a look at our records. In the last campaign, Bachmann
talked about things she proposed and introduced in the state legislature, but
what did she accomplish there. Or in the Congress? I can point to things that
we built. The National Sports Center. Light rail. I can point to things that
happened when I was working for Anoka County. I think that stands in pretty
sharp contrast to her record, or lack of it. She’s talked about a couple
issues, but really what has she gotten done that has created jobs or built a
better future for the Sixth District?
She hasn’t wanted to bring any federal dollars for
transportation projects and agriculture continues to be a huge issue. She voted
against the energy bill. What can she actually point to? She voted against the
GI bill and support for our veterans. For so long the Republicans talked about
accountability and results. How about some accountability from them? Look at
what the policies of the administration, which Bachmann supported, have done.
Look at the results. If there was ever a time to ask yourself if you’re better
off for the policies of the Bush administration and Michelle Bachmann, now is
the time.
The Rake: Whyare you drawing so much
less money than Bachmann? Maybe Bachmann’s god-fearing supporters are already
used to tithing?
Tinklenberg: We’re seeing this all over. The
presidential campaigns have sucked a lot of money out of the system, but we’re
seeing a lot of increase in fundraising recently. The DCCC put 19 Demo candidates on an emerging
races list. Last quarter we outraised all but four of the 19. Two of the four
only outraised us by a couple thousand dollars. And they were all in larger
states where the potential to raise money is greater. It’s an area we continue
to work hard on, and we need to keep pressing on. Patty Wetterling outraised
Bachmann significantly, but she lost. We need to have the funding, but also
need the other things to run a strong campaign. We are seeing more and more
reports that are calling this race competitive.
The Rake: District 6 is one of the fastest growing
districts in the state, and also home to more SUVs per capita than any other
area in the state – causing some growing pains due to the commutes. Got any
answers that don’t involve drilling in Alaska and riding dinosaurs to
work?
Tinklenberg: There are a bunch of things we need to
do. The energy bill that looked at improving CAFÉ standards; we need to
continue moving forward with that. Those standards didn’t increase for 30
years. We’re only achieving in our fleet average in 2025 what Europe is today.
We need to be more aggressive. There are things we can do
with transit. The Northstar corridor goes through the heart of the district,
and 82 percent approve of it. People there will spend less time on the roads as
a result. Providing alternatives like Northstar and bus rapid transit and
investing in our roads will mean less time wasted in traffic and on the roads.
And if we’re advancing research and development of biofuels, hybrids and
alternative fuel vehicles, plus increasing mileage of traditional vehicles, we
can ease the commutes for lots of people. And all of those things will help
bring down the price of oil. Just a 20 percent reduction of demand in June led
to a 50 cent drop in the price of gas. Reducing demand makes a huge impact.
Individual consumers have a significant role they can play. Everyone making
small changes can make a huge impact.
The Rake: How do you make that difference in
Congress when you’re not only just one guy, but you have to cooperate with
asshats from Mississippi? I mean, Chip
Pickering is kind of a dick.
Tinklenberg: I think I have a unique opportunity to
do that. For example, Mr. Oberstar says he will appoint me to the
transportation and infrastructure committee. It’s a large committee, but I’ll
be the only person on the committee who has run a state department of
transportation. And the committee will be taking up the reauthorization of the
Fed transportation bill and there will be a great opportunity there. I’ll get
to have a disproportionate influence because of my background.
I know the system nationwide, I know people in the city, in
the state. I can bring that experience to congress and provide the change,
options and opportunities people need for transit. The Sixth District has the
longest average commutes in MN. These are critical issues for people. I’ll be
able to address that in ways that the incumbent has shown no interest in doing,
nor does she have the background or expertise to do so.
The Rake:Any debates planned?
Tinklenberg: We’ve proposed a bunch of them, but she
has yet to accept them. We have one scheduled at the Monticello Chamber of
Commerce, but that’s the only one currently scheduled. We were supposed to do a
forum style debate at Farm Fest a week ago, but she didn’t go. She didn’t
bother to show up. She doesn’t want to talk about these issues because she
doesn’t have much positive to say about what she has done or what we should be
doing.
The Rake:Your opponent seems to have become Larry
King’s go-to conservative, especially on energy issues. You have any plans to
save the world? Or at least drop gas prices?
Tinklenberg: Well let me ask you, why do you think that
is? It’s certainly not because she’s proven herself to be an articulate
or amazing speaker on these issues. The frontlines of these issues are right
here in the district. She doesn’t need to go all over the country to learn
about it.
There’re some fabulous things going on in the district.
There’s a company in the district called Blattner – they make wind turbines.
There’s another company called Sartec in Anoka that has developed a process to
harvest algae to make biodiesel. They’ve got a plant under construction in
Isanti. It’s showing great promise. There have been visits from 40 different countries
to the plant and it’s in the Sixth District.
The greatest energy resource in the country is the
innovation of the American people. We need to start tapping into that and
that’s what’s going on here. She’s missing that because she’s stuck on an oil-centered
approach and has voted against everything else.
The Rake:Despite mounds of overblown rhetoric during
the last election about bringing the troops home and making a difference in
national security policy, Democrats in Congress have rolled over and wet
themselves every time the administration comes calling – The Patriot Act,
wiretapping, funding the war in Iraq. What do you plan on doing differently?
Tinklenberg: I think that the initiatives that were
put forward were stymied by the threat of a veto and the lack of votes to
override it. Until we can address that with a new administration and a stronger
majority, the Democrats are kind of stuck. But we do need to push a lot harder
on that agenda.
In terms of Iraq, we’ve got to have a plan for getting out
and getting more support from the region to secure the area. Our presence there
is actually contributing to the instability. That’s why the government there
wants a timetable for withdrawal and the administration has agreed. But it was
disappointing for me to see the vote on the FISA legislation and the exceptions
for the telecommunications industry. I have great concerns for what the
administration has done to civil liberties and the rule of law in the country.
Oversight in congress was severely mismanaged for the entire term in office. We
need to reestablish that and I support doing that.
The Rake:Earlier this summer, approval of Congress polled at 9 percent. Michael Richards would
probably manage to poll better than that, even if you took the survey in
Compton. People’s faith in their government is at an all time low. And why do
you think you can fix it? What do you think you can do.
Tinklenberg: Let me use this as an example. In Blaine
we started talking about what we could do to build a stronger future for the
community. The biggest obstacle was people’s low expectations. That was the
biggest challenge we faced – getting people to believe we could accomplish
something and work together to change our future for the better. That we could
pursue a vision and accomplish it. That’s what we need in Congress and that’s
why our tagline is rebuilding optimism in America. We need to restore people’s
faith that things can be better and tap into people’s vision and hope for the
future. If we do that, we can accomplish remarkable things.
One of the most damaging aspects of this idea that
government is the problem, is the government is actually the way things get
done together. It undercuts having common goals and objectives. Anything that’s
done to downplay what we can achieve in a public project really hurts the
country and our ability to use our government as a way of working together for
the common good and improve.
The Rake: And it may have something to do with government
officials acting like idiots?
Tinklenberg: Well there’s no shortage of that. But I
don’t know that there is any more of that now than any other time in history.
But now that that’s seen as exemplary acts of a bad system they just contribute
to people’s lack of faith.
The Rake: Congress has been trying to regulate
financial markets for decades, and all they’ve managed to accomplish is demonstrating
that the smart people go into the private sector and find ways around
legislation. Given that record, how do you plan on regulating the mortgage
industry, as you mention in your platform, without turning the finance sector
into a complete and utter clusterfuck that will drag the economy down even
further?
Tinklenberg: I think what we’ve seen is that the
regulation of the banking industry has, in general, brought some of the
stability we wanted to see after the fiascos of the 20s and the S&L crisis.
But after that we had these pseudo banking institutions that grew up and didn’t
fall under that legislation. And when you combine that with large amounts of
capital looking for greater amounts of return–you had an environment where
finances were getting more and more complex, mortgages were used as collateral
and sold off again and again. I think there’s a role for regulation in that.
That’s an area that expanded outside of the regulatory framework and we need to
bring it back in. Some of the proposals by people like Barney Frank have been
moderate and continued to support a strong and growing economy, but eliminate
some of the abuses we’ve seen. That’s an appropriate role for government.
It’s why I got involved in government in the first place–the people I worked with in the community. The largest stress in the early 80s
was finding a good job – a job that provided for the family and provided a
chance to get involved in the community. I think we’ve come back to that.
We can see in this the results of the Bush economic and tax
policies. This notion that if we aggregate large amounts of wealth in a smaller
and smaller portion of the population and that it will trickle down to the rest
of the population and provide more and more benefits. But instead we’re seeing
schemes that are about manipulating markets and pursuing more wealth. We need
to get back to policies that support actual production. That’s why I was
disappointed by the economic stimulus plan that was approved. It didn’t build
anything. There was no long-term plan. It was more of the same – buy something
and it’ll be okay. I think if we had taken some of that money and invested it in
our roads and waterways and infrastructure, it would’ve created jobs and
opportunity.
One statistic I remember from my time at the DOT: every
billion we invest in infrastructure creates 47,500 jobs. That’s a Federal
Highway Administration statistic. And we borrowed $160 billion and sent it to
people and encouraged them to buy a TV. I think we need a longer term, more
robust economic strategy than that.
The Rake: Do you think it would’ve been a different
plan if it wasn’t an election year?
Tinklenberg: I don’t know. I think it could’ve been a
better plan. I did a press conference a while back and called for a second
stimulus plan that would make the kind of investments I’m talking about. The
best economic stimulus is a good job. We need to get back to building an
economy that provides good jobs for people.
The Rake: We’re staring at a $900 billion budget
deficit. What the hell do you do with that? Just give in and hand the Chinese a
couple movie studios, a few hundred thousand copies of Windows XP and some DVD
porn and call it even?
Tinklenberg: You have to fix it slowly. It’s not
something that’s going to happen overnight. The first thing you do when you
find yourself in a hole is stop digging. We need to take seriously the fiscal
responsibility we have as elected officials and start being serious about
setting priorities and how we fund those. It’s going to be hard. I’ve been
endorsed by the Blue Dogs.
They’ve been talking about this, pushing responses to this – both on the
spending side and the revenue side. McCain called Bush’s tax cuts, especially
to the wealthy, abominable. I think the tax cuts to people making over $250,000
need to be allowed to expire. And we need to refocus tax incentives around job
creation, research and development, infrastructure – create the jobs of the
future. Growth needs to be a part of the strategy as well.
The Rake: But is growth actually a strategy?
Our esteemed leader has been talking about growing our way out of this mess for
years…
Tinklenberg: We have to be proactive about this. We
need to put policies in place that grow the economy. The Bush economic plan has
been a colossal failure. The idea that doing a little more of it will somehow
be better is the definition of insanity. We have to do those things that will
support growth in the economy. We’ve had two straight years of job losses in
the manufacturing sector so we need to do what we can to support growth there
and put policies in place to support the housing sector as well.
One of the places the Bush administration policies has
really failed the future is in research and development. When he talked about
the importance of switch grass and renewables and a hydrogen economy, he cut
funding to the research. The role of government in innovation is critical for
our economy. When you don’t fund that you put yourself way behind. Those things
take years to develop. We’ll be making up for the failures of this
administration to invest in innovation for years to come. The way we build the
energy and economy of the future is the innovation and R&D funding of the
government.
The Rake: On healthcare, it looks a little like you
want to have your morphine and take it too — a low-priced public option
available to everyone while keeping private insurers around? A lot of
economists seem to think you can’t have universal coverage via a public plan
without having single payer – what conservatives and those odd creatures known
as Canadians call socialized medicine.
What makes you think otherwise?
Tinklenberg: Some of the work that John Edwards did was
good work. Some of what’s going on in Massachusetts is a good starting point.
We saw what happened to the Clinton proposal several years ago. We didn’t move
forward on that. So I think you need to continue to allow private companies to
make insurance available, but there’s a public backstop. I think that’s a good
option and a way for us to get moving on universal coverage. The idea is that
you can’t let the perfect be the enemy of the good. I thought the Edwards
proposal offered a way forward. And that provided the option of a government
backstop.
While I think business needs to share the cost of
healthcare, I think it needs to be portable. It has to go with the person, not
the job.
The Rake: How do you pay for that sort of backstop?
Tinklenberg: How do you pay now? People still get
sick now. We just pay for emergency room visits instead of doing preventive
care. The money is still being sunk into the system, we’re just rationalizing
it. We’re paying for it in higher premiums, various welfare programs, medical
assistance programs. It’s not about bringing more money to the table. The
system is currently as expensive as it can be.
The Rake:Here in the U.S., we still generally regard
ourselves as the world’s greatest superpower. But the conflict in Georgia has
made it seem that we’re actually somewhat powerless on the world stage. Where
once we stood proudly erect, we now slump limply – weak and impotent.
Tinklenberg: I think it’s true. We have, on a number
of different fronts, undermined our strength. We’ve undermined our moral
authority because of Guantanamo. We’ve undermined our strength because of the
drain in Iraq and our economic policies. Because of the fact that we are so
much in debt to so many foreign governments – in terms of energy, of currency.
It’s made us vulnerable. It has undermined our security and I think that’s
going to be problematic in terms of the strength of our response – militarily
and diplomatically, if people see us as a paper tiger because we’re vulnerable
militarily or economically or from a global perspective/reputation. And that’s
a direct result of the Bush foreign policy.
This is the thing that amazes me. I was in D.C. on Sept 11.
We were stuck there and out on the Mall looking at the smoke coming up from the Pentagon. And one of the things that provided comfort in the aftermath was what
we were hearing from around the world. The French president actually said,
"Today we are all Americans." There was incredible strength in that. And we
lost it in no time at all. All of a sudden we were talking about freedom
fries and lost so many of our allies and pursuing a unilateralist policy. That
was a part of the erosion of our strength. And then following on that the
exhaustion of our military deployment in the Iraq war.
That’s going to be an important issue for the next Congress.
Rebuilding that strength, militarily and diplomatically is a huge thing to
tackle for the next administration and Congress.
The Rake: Michelle Bachmann – direct connection to God
or just bat-shit crazy?
Tinklenberg: Ah, I don’t know. As someone who started
my life as a United Methodist minister, that old advice about walking humbly
applies to me. I’ve tried to heed that. So I try to be careful about implying
that somehow I’m able to define God’s will for everyone else. I do it badly
enough for myself, so that advice to walk humbly is important.
Hordes of Jihadists, radical liberals and ancient clown-shaped abominations with fantasies of disrupting the Republican National Convention by rising from beneath the streets of Saint Paul like so many crap-coated Lovecraftian elder-beings wept bitterly as public works employees welded downtown manhole covers shut during the last week. Thanks to the astute foresight and planning of the combined brain trust of the Department of Homeland Security and local law enforcement, the dire public safety threat posed by Shitman – the sewer dwelling creature immortalized in 90s hard rock band Green Jelly’s song of the same name – has been neutralized.
Demonstrating the serious nature of the sewer-borne terrorist threat, sealing the city’s manholes was but the first step in a multi-layer defensive plan. In addition to placing mutant amphibians and rodents trained in the lost secrets of nijutsu in the tunnel beneath St. Paul prior to welding all access points shut, Kevin Bacon has been retained for the duration of the convention. Bacon’s demonstrated skill and ingenuity at defending against underground threats will serve the city well and ensure the safety of delegates, convention attendees, and the assembled masses in the event of worm-like creatures from the deep.
This, in addition to the recently announced "no-fly zone," super secret security expenditures redacted in the publicly available budget and the protest corral that is located in "unprecedented proximity" to the convention, is sure to make the attending delegates, candidates, elected officials and assorted panderers and hangers-on feel cozily safe in the confines of downtown Saint Paul.
Fool for a Client, Mark Whitney’s politically-tinged
Fringe show, is The Shawshank Redemption meets The Pursuit of Happyness. And
not only is the painfully funny show tough to perform, since it chronicles some
of the roughest periods of Whitney’s life, but it also attempts to examine many
of the odd conflicts inherent in today’s political landscape – such as how many
of the politicians and advocates who preach tolerance and mercy are responsible
for zero tolerance policies.
The show covers 30 years of Mark’s life – spanning his first
job out of high school selling vacuums for Electrolux to being convicted on
fraud charges. Featuring all the learning he did in the prison library and representing
himself in his federal trial, the show uses inky, nigh-soullessly, black humor to
make a decidedly tragic story unspeakably funny and make people think about the
reality behind politics and American culture. Whitney, a socially liberal Libertarian,
has his own positions on the issues. We explored those positions with him at Keegan’s whilst enduring what had to be
the worst announcer in the history of mankind’s deeply held fascination with
pub quizzes.
The Rake:So what
do you know about Minnesota politics?
Whitney: I know
you elected Jesse Ventura. I know your Republicans don’t know the difference
between satire and reality. I know there are a lot of McCain and Obama signs
in yards. But Minnesota people are approachable. And when I come here I get both Republicans
and Democrats at my show. And it works. I can say some things. It’s all
metaphor at my shows, just questions – no telling, just showing.
The Rake:Any
advice for Al Franken these days?
Whitney: Be
funny. I don’t know why politicians don’t understand the power of humor. Maybe
it’s because when you make a joke there’s incredible clarity. And it’s
extremely honest. And maybe people don’t like honesty. The idea is to get
elected – not be honest.
Whitney: I liked
him when he talked about hope, the American Dream, the Constitution. The
Constitution is really important. I’d like someone to ask Sen. McCain about the
Constitution – maybe Obama can turn to him during a debate and ask him about
the due process clauses of the constitution and see what happens. But lately
he’s seemed to be willing to say anything to be elected. Though I do like the
global perspective he may bring to the table.
On the other hand…I think the one way we could have a black
president of the U.S.
is if the candidate is Obama and the opponent is McCain.
The Rake: What
about McCain? Is the United States
ready for a geriatric president?
Whitney: He’s the
glue horse. I don’t see how McCain could take the stage with Obama and hold his
own. He’s not that smart. He’s just a warrior, an old school warrior.
The Rake:What
about your own party? Libertarians? Are they going to get any more attention
than the Rastafarians this year?
Whitney: The Libertarians
are running Bob Barr, a former federal prosecutor. They think that’ll get them
from one to two percent. It’s not going to happen. The problem is that the
current Libertarian leadership makes Bush look liberal, and none of the
segments within the party are willing to talk to each other or compromise.
Whitney: Sounds
high. At what point does it become a disapproval rating? And at what point do
people stop voting for them? It’s interesting how almost every single one of
these people are going to get reelected.
The Rake:Do you
think it goes back to all politics being local?
Whitney: Oh yeah,
people think everyone in Congress sucks, except their guy. They voted for him.
The Rake: So are
we totally screwed on the world stage now that we’ve had eight years of
Bush/Cheney style international relations?
Whitney: One of
the things that’s really been hammered home for me in the last 30 years of
being an entrepreneur is what an amazing system we have. Everyone says this is
the best country in the world. And I haven’t been everywhere, so I can’t say it
directly. Keep in mind I’m a convicted felon. There are a lot of things I can’t
do, but still, if I put my nose to the grindstone I can do a lot. But Bush and
Cheney have tarnished and tainted the brand. People don’t feel good about being
Americans anymore.
Have you ever searched an archive of Supreme Court cases for
the phrase "enemy combatant"? There’s nothing in American jurisprudence to
allow the government to make an American citizen an enemy of the state and
imprison them without trial or charge. And the next president will use that
precedent and expand on that. I guarantee that. Bush and Cheney have given a
clinic on executive power. They scare the crap out of everybody. That’s why
everyone rolls over. They’re the smartest administration in the history of the
country. They get everything they want, wherever they want, whenever they want.
One of the reasons I do this show is to remind people of the
ideals we’re meant to be about. These ideals are worth treasuring and
protecting. When we raise our children we raise them to be strong individuals.
Our society isn’t interested in us being individuals though. They want us to
participate in groupthink. There’s never been a period of time where people
participate in groupthink more. They’re scared to death.
The Rake: So what
do we have to do?
Whitney: I have a
new line that I wrote for my show and tested for the first time on Saturday
night. I said, "You’ve been a great audience. What I’d like you to do now is to
return home, marry
whoever you want. Send your artificially inseminated babies to whatever
school you want. Stockpile weapons. Do whatever you want."
But the real question is what you should do. And it’s what we’re
doing now. Blogging. Asking questions. Thinking independently and filtering the
information you get. Ask more questions. We don’t hold anyone accountable, we
keep sending the same shitheads back to Congress. And as a result, we have a
government reflective of the zero tolerance society we’ve become. If I’ve
learned one thing in my life, it’s that whatever you think it is that’s going
to get you, it’s probably something else. And it’s probably not going to be too
much personal freedom. Last century cars took 3,000,000 people. That’s a 9/11
every month. But we haven’t outlawed cars. People should take that to heart and
do whatever it is they’re here to do.
But anyway, everyone is so excited that Bush is going to
leave. I’m not so sure he’ll follow that part of the Constitution. He hasn’t followed
any of it to this point, why start now?
While Minnesota has long touted its progressive credentials
– enacting policies to help the nation’s huddling masses, deifying a well-intentioned
former school teacher, and allowing
the irredeemably stupid to perform police work – California has followed the teachings of its
favorite son and popped a cap in the state’s aspirations to be the nation’s
Leftist Wingnut leader. And recent events have shown that no matter who is in
control of the Minnesota legislature or
occupies the governor’s mansion, the title will always rest firmly and
attractively in California’s
surgically enhanced décolletage.
Simply put, it wasn’t enough for California liberals that the past year has
involved defying
the Bush administration’s largely ineffective EPA, bizarre sign of the
apocalypse-esque cooperation between Republicans and Democrats to expand health
insurance coverage, and the judicially mandated legalization
of same-sex marriage. No, the thrice damned Hollywood elite insists on rubbing
organic Himalayan sea-salt in the wound by demonstrating that, not only is the
state actually capable of passing its progressive policies, it’s also the home of what
was recently demonstrated to be the most profoundly inbred and mentally
deficient religious right population ever to swill merlot in Napa Valley.
Whether their sad mental state is a result of abusive
parents passing off lead paint chips as the latest flavor sensation by Pringles
or simply a sign of the complete collapse of the Fresno
and Burbank
gene pools is immaterial. What’s important is what has set
these ape-like creatures capering and gibbering, and more importantly –
lawyering up.
Yes, now that the California
courts have ordered the right of marriage extended to the godless heathens
otherwise known as homosexuals, thus ensuring the sacred marriage bed will soon
be populated with donkeys, chickens, and the
pestilential creature now known as Emma
Bunton. However, the few conservatives who haven’t run screaming from
California in anticipation of a Biblical rain of hellfire and the death of
their firstborn have come up with an answer to this attack on traditional lights-out
missionary style Judeo-Christian gettin’ it on – a constitutional amendment
that will negate the thousands of legal marriages that have taken place since
the judicial decision.
Make no mistake, this is a historic proposition. Should this
amendment pass, it will be the first time in the history of these United States
that a specific population has been singled out in any state, or even federal,
constitution to strip them of an existing right. This is nothing less than writing bigotry into the California constitution, not to mention a profound failure to uphold the true values of our country. The wording of the proposition
is similarly stark:
"Eliminates
Right of Same-Sex Couples to Marry."
A straightforward, albeit bleak, description of the proposed
amendment would seem to discharge the California
attorney-general’s obligation to voters. Not so, say the aforementioned capering
and gibbering creatures and their lawyers. While in many cases, the truth will set
you free, in a situation such as this; the truth will result in you being
accused of attempting to bias voters, triggering a lawsuit to change the
language to something "less inflammatory."
Whether or not it’s true that the attorney general’s
sympathies lie with the friends of the Housewives of Orange County, or if his
attitudes are influenced by a potential gubernatorial run, it’s largely
immaterial. If a factual description of the amendment seems negative, then the
proposition is, in all likelihood, negative. The goal is, after all, to
invalidate the sanctity of a few thousand marriages, and deny the right to any
other strapping gay lads and lassies who feel the nigh-irresistible urge to
affirm their desire to forsake all other penises or vaginas under the auspices
of God, Jesus H. Motherfucking Christ and the great state of California. And never mind the logistical nightmare that is trying to determine what to do with these now illegal marriages.
Sure, Bible-thumping conservatives throughout the nation,
including the Star Tribune’s own perm-wearing deep thinker,
predict an epidemic of twisted relationships as a result of the perverted critical
mass created by California
homosexuals gaining the right to marry. And we have only just begun to see the
bitter and brutal battle that’s sure to ensure in California courts to change the wording of
Proposition 8. By the end of this we’ll have seen neighbor turn on gaybor,
demonstrations in the streets that include far too much leather, and Holly
Hobby finally having no choice but to turn her back on longtime friend Strawberry
Shortcake and her alternative lifestyle.
But are not equal rights worth the final nail in the coffin
for Minnesota’s
dreams of regaining its glory as the number one land of rainbows and progressive
values, not to mention a spate of man/dolphin weddings?
For nearly a month you’ve waited to learn who the newly
crowned royalty of Minnesota
politics might be. Exhibiting saint-like patience and a knack for painting profoundly inappropriate pictures and imagery of your favorite GOP
Representatives, your votes have piled up in comments and emails,
displaying a passion
heretofore unknown for anything but basketball
in the hallowed electronic pages of The Rake. And last night, at The Liffey, at a raucous gathering of
friends, colleagues, and assorted hangers on, gift packs were doled out and the announcements were made.
So, without further ado, I introduce you to the 2008 readers’
choice (by a landslide) for Most Beautiful Man and Woman in Minnesota Politics — Peter Brickwedde and Rachel Hicks!
Thanks to all who participated and helped with the contest, especially all our nominees who performed with humor and aplomb! And for those of you who wonder why some other Capitol-based beauty/stud didn’t get the call — hold those nominations for next year.
