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  • My Friend Larry

    Larry Berle is perhaps the friendliest guy on the planet. He seems to know everyone I know, plus most everyone else, too. He accomplishes this in a couple of ways. He gets you to introduce all your friends to him, and then he actually remembers their names, what they do, where their kids go to school, and genuinely is interested in learning more about them.

    And he plays golf.

    The first characteristic he seems to have been born with. The golf I blame on his wife. Annie is just like Larry, except she’s probably a better golfer. (Her given name is Ann, but she’s so damn exuberant all the time you can’t help but use the diminutive.) When she and Larry started dating eighteen years ago, she introduced him to the game. She still plays a little, but not as much as Larry, mostly because nobody plays as much as Larry.

    Larry’s in his early sixties, but looks like he’s forty. I have an idea how old Annie is, having been to a birthday party or two, but let’s just say she could easily pass for twenty-eight. I attribute their youth to their health, and their maddeningly consistent buoyant outlook on life.

    Larry sold his business three years ago to concentrate on playing golf and making friends. Annie still works, so that cuts into her time to indulge his obsession. They do spend a lot of time together, though. They have gone hiking nearly everywhere in the world. Egypt, Papua New Guinea, Mount Kilimanjaro, and Patagonia have all felt their footprints.

    But eighteen months ago, their life as they knew it came to an abrupt halt. Larry had been out riding his bike, and when he didn’t return home Annie began calling his cell phone. Then she began calling police precincts and hospitals. Only after Larry had been missing for eight hours did she find him at Hennepin County Medical Center. Somehow he’d fallen off his bike and cracked his head, hard, on the concrete. He doesn’t remember how this happened, and while somebody called 911, no witnesses were there when the ambulance arrived. At the emergency room, they were so busy trying to save him that they hadn’t thought to call any family. Annie finally talked with someone treating Larry, who told her to hurry because he wasn’t expected to make it.

    He did make it, with extensive surgery that included temporarily removing a large piece of his skull, which allowed his brain to swell. He also made it, I’m convinced, due to the prayers and good wishes of his thousands of friends who set up a phone and email network that provided daily news of his condition. We friends also took care of Annie, which mostly involved not talking constantly about Larry and concentrating instead on dinner and wine.

    A few years before his accident, Larry had embarked on a quest to play Golf Digest magazine’s top hundred courses in the United States. A few of these are public and relatively easy to access; however, most are exceedingly exclusive. If you aren’t the guest of a member, you’ve got no chance to play unless you make the PGA Tour. And since the tour doesn’t take high handicappers like Larry, his only means of playing many of these courses was to make about a hundred new friends—friends who happened to be members of clubs like Augusta National.

    Of course, Larry did it. He worked his extensive list of friends to make contact with members who’d be willing to play golf with a stranger. Sometimes, he simply cold-called people, introduced himself, and wrangled an invitation.

    Over the course of nine years, he finished the list. Then he figured he had to write a book about it. He plunged into a task he knew nothing about, and was about two-thirds of the way through his first draft when he fell off his bike.

    Six months after the accident he was back at the book. He was suffering from some of the common side effects of a brain injury. His concentration and patience were both shot. He’d lost the ability to perform simple tasks such as balancing his check book. But the same determination that got him onto the courses got him to finish A Golfer’s Dream. In fact, he says finishing the book helped “bring him back.”

    For avid golfers, the book might be a slight disappointment. It’s not about the golf per se so much as it’s about all the friends he made on his quest. But that makes it even a better read, because when it comes to making friends, Larry is Tiger Woods.

  • The End Is Nigh!

    In the lean years that will
    soon follow, survivors will look back upon December 19, 2007 with pain
    and sorrow in their haunted eyes — for this day marked the beginning
    of the end. The Seventh Seal will soon be open, for the passage of the first increase in
    CAFÉ standards in more than 30 years

    can be naught but a signal that the End Times are upon us.

    Now, the "Energy Independence,
    Clean Air, and Climate Security Act of 2007
    "
    is fairly atypical for a piece of compromise legislation in that it
    actually accomplishes something. That is, something beyond giving the honorable
    representative from Alaska

    some pork to sustain him through long cold nights spent dreaming of
    the day when Josh Hartnett
    will save him

    from the vampires that so often stalk Yukon towns. And to be sure, Rep.
    Don Young, even the legendary Hartnett, whose superhuman charms kept
    the ravenous hunger of Scarlett Johansson sated for longer than any
    normal man could ever hope for, cannot save you from the pending apocalypse
    signaled by the passage of a bill that calls for increased fuel consumption
    standards in passenger cars and light trucks. By 2020, no longer
    will Hummers be able to tool along I-94, secure in their superior ability
    to carry Viagra users from one tarmac covered area to another whilst
    fueling their unholy internal combustion with the most beautiful virgins
    in the land. And believe me – virgins do not make for efficient combustion.
    No, in just 13 short years, assuming the sun does not suddenly collapse
    into a neutron star when our fearless leader puts pen to paper on an
    environmentally friendly piece of legislation, the average fuel economy
    of every automaker’s fleet will be bumped to 35 miles per gallon.

     

    Of course, if one were not
    paying attention, it might be difficult to understand why this seemingly
    positive change signals a pending holocaust. I, however, am uniquely
    qualified to read these dire portents. Allow me to break it down for
    all y’all. While the phenomenon of congressional leaders finally summoning
    the intestinal fortitude to turn down the 72 virgin party offered by
    automakers and oil-producing countries may induce some to think the
    Rapture is coming, I have a much more simple theory. The passage of
    this bill may signal the Four Horseman simply because most experts for
    the last 30 years believed a hermaphrodite would make a run for the
    presidency before any elected official would make changes to those standards.
    Turns out they were right. And for the first time since the
    energy crisis of the 70s, no filibusters were held in protest of this
    assault on America’s big iron. No one listened to the feeble cries
    of American automakers screaming at the prospect of being forced to
    innovate, rather than offer U.S. consumers the chance to buy the umpteenth iteration
    of the Ford Taurus
    .
    To be fair, the Taurus does not burn virgins for fuel. But it won’t
    get you in the back seat with one either. Of course, neither will most of today’s
    greenest cars
    .

    Which brings us back to the
    apocalypse – an apocalypse that saves us nearly three million barrels
    of oil a day in 2020 and takes care of nearly a quarter of the U.S.’
    greenhouse emissions targets. Even more astounding, and quite possibly
    referenced in the Book of Revelations, is the addition of the Clean
    Power Act of 2007 – requiring the EPA to issue reduction targets in
    emissions from various and sundry power plants. Not to mention the ultra
    nifty perk for Minnesota that will have farmers from Redwood Falls to
    Ely twitching with subsidy-inspired incontinence – required U.S. biofuel
    production of 36 billion gallons by 2022. That’s a whole lot of corn
    – spelling millions upon millions of dollars for Minnesota farmers
    (which will get a virgin in the back seat of a Taurus).

    Just don’t expect to have
    long to enjoy it. Make your peace with your maker, horde foodstuffs,
    firearms, and neighborhood women, and convert your vehicle to run on
    vegetable oil, for today’s CAFÉ standards mark the beginning of Ragnarok.
    The great fire giant Surtr will soon cross the Rainbow Bridge with his
    ravening hordes and cleanse the world of late model Fords, sparing only
    Priuses and other Al Gore approved means of transportation. Like I said
    a couple days ago – we’re boned.

  • Chuck Huck

    I heard that Mike Huckabee is pals with Chuck Norris and that the "Huck and Chuck" show plays well in Iowa. Apparently the former preacher also takes alot of fitness breaks because he doesn’t want to slip and fall on the black prairie ice.

    And this guy is pals with Chuck?

    That sucks.

    I would like to suggest a few vehicles to spirit his formerly large rear end outside to spew a few more aphorisms to the faithful.

    (Photo: Mike taking some time off on a treadmill. Notice the oh-mi-gawd paunch he has developed by indulging his passion for ding-dongs. I pray their human counterparts don’t vote often.)

    I’ve already blogged about the 2008 Suzuki XL-7. It might be a good choice for a surging, underfunded campaign.

    He could also save some money with a stylish new 2008 Saturn Vue Green Line (the hottest new mid-sized SUV on the market).

    I am also told my buddy Andy GG (of Pontiac Aztek fame) is unloading his beloved Lunar Rover on E-Bay.

    With its over-the-top interior it’s man enough for Chuck.

    I can’t speak for Huck.

    P.S. And remember that "there is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures CN allows to live". This from chucknorrisisgod.com.

    Seasons Greetings.

     

     

  • Aloof and Expensive, But I Like It

    Maybe it’s an Edina thing. You step inside the city limits and suddenly you rather like a restaurant server who eyes you suspiciously for several minutes, then approaches sniffily to ask what you want.

    You don’t mind paying 20 percent more for a loaf of bread with goat cheese and olive tapenade than you would, say, in Powderhorn Park. Or half again as much for a tiny appetizer-style hamburger as you would downtown. I don’t know what it is. . . .All I do know is, I’m typically a bear about service and price, yet I keep going back to Beaujo’s Wine Bar & Bistro because — and I don’t have any better explanation than this — I just like it there.

    In all fairness, a lot of it is quality. When you get that loaf of bread it comes with three really generous pots of the various spreads and a set of crackers, too, in case you’re feeling less carb-consumptive than usual. When you order the Wasabi Ginger Salmon Salad you pay a hefty $14.50, but the greens are absolutely fresh and the julienned snow peas are crisp and the dressing has the most pleasing bite.

    What’s more, there’s really not a bad table in the place (and I find this is very rare. . . .). There are a couple high four-tops in the front window that I particularly like. And all the others are against walls, so you’re never sitting stranded in the middle of a room with servers brushing by you and carrying trays overhead.

    Recently, Beaujo’s made a couple changes. They’ve freshened up their wine list, adding some really excellent ones, like the Chateau du Trignon Cotes de Rhone, a Saint Pierre Sancerre, and the Alamos Torrentes from Argentina. Every wine they serve is offered by the glass, the half glass, or the bottle (which I LOVE because often, when I’m driving, 1-1/2 glasses is just right but two is excessive). They’ve added flexible wine flights to the menu: basically three half-pours for a set price. And they’re now open on Sundays, starting at 3 p.m.

    Personally, I’m very happy about this last bit of news. Because there’s nothing I like more on a Sunday than a cheap matinee at the Edina Theater followed by a glass of wine. And no matter whom I’ve met at Beaujo’s, they’ve been happy there: whether dining on salads or sandwiches or biscotti and tea.

    The one thing, truthfully, that I still cannot figure out is the service. I have been ignored at this place for long stretches of time — never in a hostile way, but I get the feeling that the women who man the bar (an odd phrase, I know. . . .but in this case, it’s fitting) simply don’t care if I stay and take off my coat or get tired of waiting and slip away. No matter how many times I visit, no matter how familiar I become, they approach in the same way: warily, as if I’m taking up their valuable time. Sometimes it makes me angry.

    Then the wine arrives at a pitch-perfect temperature and the salad comes pretty and fresh and clean. And I forgive them. Again.

  • So Nice To Be Naughty

    MUSIC
    Bustin’ Beats from Belfast

    In preparation for the real Van the Man show tomorrow night, jam to the tunes of one of his most popular tribute bands The Belfast Cowboys. They’ll be playing all the Van Morrison greats this evening — for a fraction of his concert prices. Whether or not they’ll actually play anything off his new album is highly debatable, but let’s face it — we’re all suckers for "Moondance" and "Brown Eyed Girl" anyhow. —Kate McDonald

    8 p.m., First Avenue, 701 1st Ave. N., Minneapolis; 612-332-1775; $6-$8.

    THEATER
    Matthew Ashford and Other Favorite Things

    Apparently, someone took the expression "break a leg" a little too seriously. But even a broken leg is not enough to stop Maria — the legendary Maria — you know the one. The show much go on, and the hills are still alive with the Sound of Music, now playing at the Ordway. Come sing along to the well known tunes of one of Rodgers and Hammerstein’s most popular musicals. Although this show does not feature the incomparable musical stylings of Julie Andrews, it does cast Days of Our Lives soap opera star Matthew Ashford as Captain von Trapp to make up for it. —Kate McDonald

    8 p.m., Ordway Center, 345 Washington St., St. Paul; 651-224-4222; $45-$75.

    PERFORMANCE
    Naughty Nutcrackers Like Beyonce

    The classic Nutcracker might seem like a perfectly harmless childhood fairytale: snowflakes and sugar plum fairies, parties, presents and trees. But let’s face it — bon bons, toy soldiers, cherubs, and giant phalli are all a bit on the campy side, no? Toss in a few Beyonce tunes (don’t forget the dancing wooden doll), and you’ve got a seriously naughty Nutcracker. Leave it to the Ballet of the Dolls! Their Nutcracker?! (not so) Suite features a dancing Barbie and Ken, and classic Bing Crosby show tunes that will leave you wondering… why be nice when you can be so naughty? —Kate McDonald

    8 p.m., The Ritz, 345 13th Ave. N.E., Minneapolis; 612-436-1129; $15.

  • Over the Coals 2007

    BUSINESS

    On the other hand, we recommend that you call Duluth “Paris.”
    A New York marketing research firm hired by Meet Minneapolis, the Minneapolis Convention and Visitors Association, to help with a branding campaign for Minneapolis and St. Paul came up with the suggestion that Minneapolis and St. Paul refer to themselves in their marketing materials as Minneapolis-St. Paul.

    A cool, shady (really, really shady) place, conveniently located between Brian Herron Boulevard and the Dean Zimmermann Bike Path
    In May, a new, much-admired park opened along the Mississippi riverfront, next to the Guthrie Theater. It was originally going to be called McGuire Park, after former UnitedHealth Group CEO William McGuire and his wife Nadine, whose foundation donated $5 million to create and maintain the park. But when McGuire resigned in October 2006, after an internal investigation revealed that United was backdating stock options to sweeten the pot for its executives, a new name was cooked up: Gold Medal Park.

    Arrested Development: the Minneapolis version
    Former heir apparent Curtis Carlson Nelson left Carlson Companies and sued the corporation’s high-profile doyenne (who just happens to be his mother) because she refused to name him CEO and cut him in on the family’s huge fortune. Marilyn Carlson Nelson countersued, by claiming her son was too incompetent to run the business.

    In related news: Yahoo Serious named most powerful man in hollywood
    In March, Forbes.com ranked Kevin McHale as the top general manager in major professional sports. The website of the formerly esteemed business publication said it didn’t matter that McHale had never won a championship in his twelve years at the helm of the Minnesota Timberwolves. Two criteria pushed Big Mac to the top: His dramatic improvement over the horrid performance of his predecessor, “Trader” Jack McCloskey; and his narrow win in the “Separated at Birth: Herman Munster Category.”

     

    Sometimes that old addition-by-subtraction thing doesn’t really add up
    In July, the Timberwolves traded Kevin Garnett, the greatest athlete in the history of Minnesota team sports, to the Boston Celtics. Afterward, Wolves owner Glen Taylor told the media that KG had asked for too much money, protected malcontents in the locker room, worked behind the scenes to get former coach Flip Saunders fired, and generally contributed to the team’s dysfunction. KG is the current favorite to win his second NBA Most Valuable Player award and take the Celts to the playoffs, while the Wolves are on a plodding track to the league’s worst record.

    I never promised you a Rose Bowl … oh, wait—I did!
    In January, when he was named head coach of the Gophers football team, Tim Brewster proclaimed, “Our expectation is to win a Big Ten championship now.” Later he boasted, “You’re not going to be a great salesman if you don’t have a great product … This is going to be an easy sell.” Sadly, Brewster never deviated from that script as the Gophers proceeded to go 1-11, losing more games than any team in Gopher football history.


    FLYING HIGH?

    We didn’t think that the beleaguered Northwest Airlines—which, among other catastrophic blunders in 2006, issued a pamphlet advising soon-to-be-laid-off employees to save money by Dumpster diving, renting out rooms in their houses, and popping sample prescription pills—could possibly offer up additional follies in ’07. We were wrong.

    We recommend a little product Called “Airborne”—it’s effervescent!
    On July 1, the airline announced that it lost $25 million in June after being forced to cancel hundreds of flights. Spokespeople said the cancellations were the result of pilots calling in sick.

    Corporate welfare: Helping moguls get back on the road to happy, productive lives.
    On July 31, however, the airline announced it had pulled in a $273 million pre-tax profit, a 53 percent increase from the same period in 2006.

    Fee Enhancement? Is That Why We’re Getting All Those Emails?
    The very next day, on August 1, the lead law firm that handled the airline’s bankruptcy case attempted to nab another $3.5 million on top of the $35.4 million it had already charged. They claimed they needed a “fee enhancement” after realizing that the airline would be able to pay back nearly seventy-five percent of its creditors. That idea didn’t fly, but lawyers took in quite a haul nonetheless in steering the airline out of its mess: twenty-two firms pulled in $124.2 million in fees and expenses.

    See? Corporate welfare really does work
    That was followed in late October by Northwest’s announcement about its third quarter: $244 million in net profits, which it declared its highest profit in ten years.

     

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  • Who Doesn’t Love Sam & Sylvia Kaplan?

    Years ago, comedian Bill Murray was
    talking with the press about great careers, longevity, and what really
    defines success. Murray had had several hits at the time, made good
    money, was considered for practically every big-budget comedy script in
    town, and by any Hollywood standard was the envy of his peers.

    "But I want to last," Murray said with almost existential emphasis. "I want to be like the great old dogs of this business. Gary Cooper, Jimmy Stewart, and Kirk Douglas. People who built these life-long careers and did it with good work, not just a cameo in High Noon: The Teen Years
    for a check to remind people they were still breathing. But it’s
    tricky. You’ve got to choose the right things. Dignity is essential to
    a great career and you can blow that pretty easy in this business."

    Murray’s
    boozy Swedish golf cart ride notwithstanding, his quote kept crossing
    my mind as I kicked around town talking to friends, colleagues, and
    sometimes adversaries of Sam and Sylvia Kaplan, the remarkably
    influential and durable couple often dubbed "political kingmakers" by
    the media and their peers. I don’t know if Murray has had a political
    thought in his life, but he was clearly searching for the qualities
    that acquire and sustain credibility and influence.

    In the case
    of the Kaplans, as Murray did with the long-time Hollywood players he
    referred to, you come to understand that their demeanor and choices
    have defined them. Their personal qualities, both sweet and sour, as
    expressed toward each other, friends, politicos, and foes, and played
    out in the rarified, often acidic spotlight of the political and
    moneyed elite of the Twin Cities, have contributed in no small part to
    their image-an image other influence traders might consider using as a
    model, if they can balance the same combination of ideological passion
    and emotional maturity.

    I first sat down with Sam and Sylvia Kaplan on a brutally cold morning last February. By the crack of dawn they were seated at their table in a corner of the Minneapolis Club,
    where they are almost every weekday morning. There was a steady flow of
    people, including the likes of former councilman Dennis Schulstad,
    stopping by to greet them and trade news of the previous twenty-four
    hours, jump-starting the new day. The Kaplans make a good visual pair.
    Sam projects both the appearance and demeanor of a Hollywood patriarch.
    The full head of tousled-to-unruly silver hair and the athletic trim of
    a man twenty-five years younger than his seventy years complement an
    attentiveness, charm, and unflappability so composed it wavers between
    being reassuring and unnerving. Sylvia, sixty-nine, is attractive,
    though she is emphatically not a member of upper society’s obsessively
    primped grande-dame school. Her intense commitment to social issues of
    truth and fairness, as she describes it, seems more credible because
    she eschews the more artificial cosmetic blandishments wealthy women
    her age so often seize upon. That, I guess, is another way of saying
    that she uses the informality of an unapologetic ’60s radical to her
    advantage.

    Of course, this couple didn’t get to be political
    kingmakers on looks alone. Their way with people-and they know
    absolutely everybody-is unbeatable. Sam is unfailingly engaging and
    solicitous. It is Sylvia who peppers their interlocutors with
    questions. What came out of that Regents’ meeting? Did they know
    So-and-So was considering a run for City Council? As the respect-payers
    depart, Sylvia makes blunt cracks about who this one supported in a
    recent race, or why that one is so dead wrong about some issue-never
    mind the strange guy with the pen sitting across the table from her.

    At
    Sylvia’s indiscretions, most of which are so spot-on you can only
    laugh, Sam exchanges glances with me, as though asking, "What can I do?
    She says what she wants."

    Everyone, including Sylvia herself,
    describes her as the more "acerbic" or "sharp" of the two. Their worst
    adversaries-none of whom cared to speak on record-prefer the word
    "rude," although "blunt" actually seems the best compromise. She likes
    to get to the point. This fits with their friends’ description of them
    as inveterate "busybodies," people with a compulsion, as Sylvia says,
    "to know what is really going on."

    "I’m just always fascinated
    when people aren’t curious about people," she tells me. "How can you
    not be curious and interested in what’s going on? How do you live like
    that?"

    Appetites for constantly up-to-date information require
    ceaseless interaction with literally hundreds of plugged-in
    people-something the two have managed to pull off for decades. Sylvia
    measures and assesses new people closely, in a way that seems
    simultaneously wary, skeptical, and almost shy. She is more ears than
    eyes, and often avoids direct visual contact until she’s figured out
    your game. When she finally does meet your gaze it comes like
    punctuation to an assertion-that, for example, John Edwards‘s moment has come and gone. That Hillary Clinton is all wrong for the changes that have to be made. And that Barack Obama, who is their guy for ’08, is the rare politician to have heightened her understanding of key issues and not vice versa.

  • We Are All Bag Ladies

    Last weekend, in the Sunday Times, one of the meatiest, most
    interesting Style articles was found … in the business section. I also liked
    the ETSY profile in the Times magazine, but that’s a different matter-one that, I’m
    afraid, nearly inspired a very long, boring post about my preference for receiving
    hand-made Christmas gifts. In any case, the long and the short of the business section piece was
    this: Shoppers tend to hang on to the niftiest of their shopping bags. This
    inspired a reflection on my own stash:

    I purchased a beautiful pair of earring from this Parisian
    boutique back in 2003, but lost the earrings soon after returning aux etats-unis.
    The bag, however, hung around. For a good year and a half, I used it to tote my lunch. But when I realized it was starting to fray, I retired the bag to a
    safe place.

    I scored a $39 dress at Tracey Reese in NYC last summer.
    Like the dress, love this bag, which is made of a durable cardstock. I’ve used the thing twice for carrying items to and fro
    dinner parties.

     

    Any local bags in the collection?

    Stephanie’s, in St. Paul’s Highland Park neighborhood, has a decent bag.

     

    Alfred’s, R.I.P., had these flimsy but cu-ute
    bags.

    The Design Collective seems to be hand stamping theirs, thus
    appealing to the aforementioned affinity for handmade.

     

    Uh, Target makes a good bag for taking out the recycling.

  • Shop n' Nosh

    I am WAY behind on shopping. I know I’ve been writing out gift guides for y’all, but that doesn’t mean that I’m surrounded with foodies in my real life. I have to buy Bionicles and Restoration Hardware tchotchkes like the rest of you.

    But I generally hate shopping. The only way I can suffer the hours of bumping into other people, sweating into my winter coat as I stand in line, and the dearth of endless can-I-help-yous from holiday retail associates is to know that in the end I’ll be fed.

    I’m the most focused when I shop alone, and find dining alone most rewarding. Sitting at the bar of a restaurant, you’re generally not bugged by other people, your bartender is always right in front of you, and it can be a beautiful, solitary moment when it’s just you and your food. The right places will read your mood and engage or retreat as dictated.

    This is my potential week:

    If I have to go to Southdale, and fight the good fight of the mall crowds, I’m planning on ending up at Via. I might have to fight for a space at the bar, but the tomato arugula salad and prosciutto flat bread are worth it.

    My Uptown trip will include Paper Source and the Shoe Zoo, which means I’ll be very close to Lucia’s. The lack of a real bar might force this into a mid-day lunch trip which means snacking on crepes at a little table in the corner of Lucia’s Take-Home. BONUS: I can buy a giant loaf of artisan bread and bring it home for dinner, double Santa!

    Nordeast means Surdyk’s, Bibelot, Pacifier, and Let’s Cook. A big trip like that may deserve a treat at The Red Stag, though I haven’t tried them out yet. A safer bet, depending on my mood, would be a juicy burger at The Bulldog.

    Downtown, post-Macy’s, post-parade, post-Juut treatment (a girl’s gotta treat herself sometimes), I’d head to Bank. Quiet and majestic, their service is spot-on.

    Grand Ave has more than enough shopping to make me dizzy, but Golden Fig will be my main stop. If I stop at Penzey’s as well, I’ll be called into Tavern on Grand by a cold beer and a basket of fried walleye. I am powerless in this instance.

    I refuse to go to Hugedale.

    I do have one shopping date scheduled with a BFF for last minute digging on Christmas Eve. We’re planning to head to 50th/France sometime in the morning and just see how it all plays out. I’m pretty sure there will be a glass of wine at Beaujo’s and potentially another at Salut a few hours later.

    At that point, the tree should be stocked and my gullet properly tuned to appreciate the next week’s home-cooking-athon.

  • Corvallis – Home of the Beavers

    The Farmer’s Insurance Group
    issued a study of the "Most Secure"
    places in the U.S.

    this month, and I have to wonder to myself – what kind of paranoia
    has to take hold of someone that they’re actually willing to take
    advice on where to live from a list upon which Boise, Idaho is ranked
    second among large metropolitan areas? Seriously? People are so concerned
    for their lives and the potential for typhoons and other nigh-biblical
    disasters that they need to reference a list of places where shit never
    happens
    ? Really?
    Are there really people so milquetoast that their fondest desire, the
    thing that makes their hips shift in a tiresomely boring man’s approximation
    of passion, is to wake up in the morning to headlines that read: "New building has
    plenty of room
    "
    or "City will make tree
    goal
    "? Is this
    what we’ve come to as a society? Are we on track to become a civilization
    of gutless shut-ins and risk averse pansies? This may explain the success
    of Netflix, if nothing else.

    But, I say thee nay! I can’t
    bring myself to believe we’ve fallen so far since the heady ancestral
    days of Americans tromping all willy-nilly through any number of dangerous places
    they weren’t wanted
    .
    Sure, maybe some folks to our south in scenic Ames, Iowa (number 13
    on the list of small towns!), or St. Cloud (#19 on the list of mid-sized
    cities and home of
    the burning swastika!)

    harbor fond fantasies of pastoral days spent marveling at how pants-tighteningly
    dull life can be, but not I. No, gentle reader, I would miss the heady
    thrill of something – anything
    – changing (since I would go bat-shit crazy in a town where the only
    change is in the cow to human ratio). I would miss the guessing game
    I play every day as I get off 94 headed home and try to figure out what
    song the panhandler on the off-ramp is dancing to whilst strumming his
    cardboard disabled veteran sign. But most of all, I would miss the schadenfreude.
    Because in the sun-dappled Pennsylvania Dutch utopia that is Lancaster
    PA (#9 on the list of mid-sized cities!), the Amish are unfailingly
    polite, and buggy accidents are rarely fatal.

    So, in the words of local philosopher/rapper P.O.S.:

    Let me give a little cause
    to the flickering sun

    Stop, drop, then gimme props,
    gimme gunshots

    Gimme all that work, gimme
    age spots.

    Gimme all that hurt, gimme
    snapshots.

    Lemme get a photograph and
    laugh under your bad news

    And that, my friends, is why
    I live in #214 (out of 379 rated) on the list. Twisted?
    Maybe. But tell me, when was the last time a professional football player
    entertained Logan, UT residents by getting caught in a compromising situation involving strippers and illegal pharmaceuticals whilst nearby lines stretched for
    blocks to see the fruit of a once-local
    stripper’s loins
    ?